why oh why?! the one thing that i dread most actually has to happen now. can't it wait till next year or the year after at least?? suddenly, i feel cold (although the aircon near my desk was not switched on since morning), i feel lethargic, i feel sick. i think this must be the feverish feeling when you're having a really bad toothache. OUCH! no wonder i can't resume back to sleep after attending the kids for school this morning. even lunch was so unappetizing. now i wonder, should i or should i not go back to that cheap dental surgeon at AMK? it's seriously cheap but my 1st experience with him was really a nightmare and that is when i vow not to go to any dental clinics anymore. and sitting in the office all alone doesn't help either. unlike the previous times when i still had all my favourite softwares and my windows 2k. xp is indeed a pain in the ass and when they load this new version in my pc weeks ago, i was not in the office to do all the back-up. to install back what i had before is really a not so interesting job. i guess i should be just content. time is looking so slow when you feel like rushing home and comfort yourself in the duvet. looks like i have to waste my money on a cab home once again. suppose to have dinner outside tonight but with my bloody toothache, i rather be in bed. hope the family will understand. tick tock tick tock.. i'm counting minutes to 6pm... arghhh

okay.. okay.. aku nak update ni.. JUMAAT lepas, ada lah kisah yang menggelikan hati aku sendiri. nak cakap geli geleman tak lah pulak cuma sejak dua menjak ni aku mudah lupa. so nak dijadikan cerita, kompeni dah beli mesin kopier yang baru dari toshiba. so kul 2 tu, teknisyen toshiba pon sampai, nak buat settings untuk kopier baru tu. sekali pandang, muker dia macam aku pernah nampak.. tapi di mana ya... serious arh.. muka familiar habis.. tapi aku tak ingat pat mana aku nampak dier. aku nak tanya, aku segan pulak lah kan. so aku buat bodoh. mamat tu pon ignore aku tapi aku rasa dia pon tengok aku semacam gitu but he still continue to set-up mesin tu. selang 10 minit kemudian, lepas dia set-up tu mesin, terus dia approach aku and panggil aku DOINK. terperanjat katak kejap aku. terus aku tengok muker dia. dia nak suruh aku sign work order lah. dia cakap, dia nampak gambar hubby aku baru dia ingat aku. tapi aku still masih tak ingat nama dia nih. macam mana?? aku dah paisey jugak tau.. dier ingat aku, aku tak ingat dier. lagi-lagi bila dia panggil DOINK, fren-fren AM.com jer yang panggil aku dengan nama tu. sampaikan colleague aku pon naik heran apsal mamat tu panggil aku DOINK. terus mamat tu yang cakap dia kenal aku... aiseybedah.... nasib baik aku nampak dia nyer nama pat work order tu. ruper-rupernyer MAT NOOR lah.... amacam aku leh luper nama dier eh.. rabak kan. so dialah servisman mesin kopier aku yang baru. SABTU lepas aku tak kemana-mana except to attend a mooncake & lantern festival function pat kovan hub. itu pon pasal anak-anak aku buat bhangra performance. kalau tak, jangan haraplah aku nak pergi tu function. dapat mooncake sampai lima enam bungkos pon aku bagi pat tauke kedai bawah blok rumah aku. konon nak makan (sebab aku pon memang suka makan mooncake) tapi bila tengok plastic transparent, takde cap halal ke haper.. then aku tak jadilah makan. tapi terhibur jugak hati aku ngan hubby bila tengok budak-budak tu joget bhangra.. next time, kalau ada pertandingan perasan bollywood, maybe boleh ask them to join.. hihihi. AHAD lepas parents aku visit aku pat rumah. saja jer nak visit kata dorang. pa bawak video time abang sedara aku sanding in june sikit hari. dah 3 bulan baru aku dapat tengok tu video. kesian kan... when they left at 9pm, aku pon apa lagi, terus lompat atas katil and go to tidur.. mata dah tak leh carry beb.. dah ngantuk sangat tapi aku tahan jugak. ISNIN niari, takde apa-apa yang aku buat pat opis kecuali buat kerja, sibuk test kopier baru, then lunch time, sempat pegi shopping pat raffles place. and time aku tengah line up pat one of the banks in raffles, deejay radio ria, si ab shekh tu beratur 2 tapak depan aku. tapi aku taklah jakon sangatkan sampai nak kena senyum kambing pat dia. maybe hari ni time orang gaji tu sebablah bank sumer long queue.... jeles aku tengok orang dah gaji.... aku nyer.. hmmm.. tepat-tepat cukup bulan.. dah sesak2 pon sanggup buang duit beli clothings.. mata rambang sangat. akcherli bukan mata rambang, tapi memang tengah sale tu.. setakat $10 untuk draw string pants (ader embroidery lagik), so aku grab arh.. murah-murah pon, terkopak $50. chet!

an afternoon break, accompanied by the aroma of teh-tarik from the nearby sarbat stall, is very rejuvenating. this is just what i need after a stressful day at work. it's more relaxing now that most of the deliveries and shipments have been achieved. what's more than an hour spent infront of the pc, clicking away for holiday promotions. i need that too. what else do i need that i think i can achive easily? a good spa treatment would be nice as well, only that i ain't sure whether i can enjoy that in my state. i saw the menu by spa haven. perhaps, i can share this with you ladies who think that you need to endulge yourself to a good and affordable spa (massage) treatment. sleepy-head (insomnia) : for those of you who're missing out on your beddy-bye this blend of bergamot, sweet marjoram & vetiver will lull you right into dreamland. frazzle-fizzler (relaxing) : tackle tension, slay stress, fizzle out frazzled days with the super-effective cocktail of sweet orange, lavender, ylang-ylang to lead you down the road to re-lax. slush flush (water retention) : when your circulation is under par, this blend of lemon, cypress and cedarwood atlas promises to thoroughly flush the slush that's accumulated, leaving you feeling clean. mello jello (balancing) : a mellowing mix of clary sage, geranium and patchouli (for when your hormones run amok). combined with the soothing strokes of the therapist will leave you feeling all jello. and lastly, perky picks (uplifting) : task-driven blend of grapefruit, pine and frankincense will perk up even the most wilted. all cost are at : $95 for 60 mins, $120 for 90 mins. sounds delicious, isn't it? and for holiday? does a $88 price for a return ticket to phuket sounds cheap? i thought so as well when i was surfing the silkair website. terms and conditions - only 1 to go though. i did try entering a booking for 1 adult and 2 children as i have promised the kids for a shortbreak but the price turns out a nightmare. so true enough, it's $88 and you have to travel alone. so, advise is gang up your friends and travel together, but on separate bookings. then i decided to go bintan but after much calculating, i don't think it's all worth it when it's in Sing Dollars. thought of malaysia but without my husband, i have to let go my slightest idea to visit there. and in the end, saw the empty slots for weekend chalet at downtown east and i guess, that's the cheapest budget holiday for the kids... a night stay in the chalet and a trip to the wild & wet. that should do. a good family holiday should be great only after i give birth, hopefully.

i know i haven't been updating regularly. i know i have slackened eversince. no, it's not lazy. it's not that i've given up writing completely. but somehow, i just had no idea on what to write. suddenly i felt like my brain has been totally blocked. no nice words to think of, just the basics daily life. arrrghhhh...! niwae, dar called up at late afternoon requesting me to cook several dishes if i'm not tired. the reason, he felt like eating chinese-style, with bowl and chopsticks and several nice dishes on the table just like how he saw at this coffeeshop he said. what the heck? so, there i was in the kitchen at 7.30pm, storming up stir-fry cabbage, sweet & sour sausages and yong tau-fu plus frying some chicken drumlets. haa.. amik kau.. cekik sumer kasi habis. i thought that was all nicely done and dinner was ready by almost 8.30pm. served the kids first since dar is still at work. i was filled up with anxiety to having dinner like newton-style... rice in bowl, chopsticks but the bad thing was there isn't any stingray.. geez .. so i waited for dar to be home. i waited. 8.30pm. still not home. i'm hungry but still can wait. 9.00pm. haiyah.. where the heck is this old man.. still not home! 9.30pm. buay tahan.. i sms-ed him and he replied back saying he'll be home late.. motorbike tyre punctuared. lah.. aku dah penat-penat masak, tunggukan dia last-last kena makan sendiri. so i had my dinner. as i thought. i somehow dun like rice with dishes now. but i forced myself to finish everything so as not to be hungry later on but after that, i felt like vomitting all out. didn't finish the drumsticks though. oh baby.. why oh why are you so fussyyyy.... dar came home past 10pm and he was so hungry by then that he forgot all about his chopsticks and rice in the bowl... hehe.. he had his dinner just like how he normally does. somehow, i am glad for dar is the one carrying my burden at the moment ie. vomitting, headache, toothache, cravings.. i'm just glad. no, i'm not mean but it's fair isn't it... i'm carrying his child, he's carrying my burden.. inilah yang dikatakan democratic demokrasi terpimpin.. kahkahkah..

DROOLZ, THIS IS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART i am hurt. i am disappointed with whatever actions that you've taken. i expected a new you, a changed you but in fact, you will still be you, the same old sister that i've had for years. why? basically, that is the only question that i can ask at this moment, nothing more than that. whatever you do, whatever your choice is, i hope you'll be happy with your life that you chose. neither me nor anybody can changed that. all we can do is pray for your happiness and hope that everything will turn allright. however, the only hurting thing is the way you treated us, the way you make us believe your so-called decisions, the way you put every words in a positive point of view that, at one moment, made us glad but all the hope and gladness turn into this sorrow state yet again. how could you?? how could you make an old woman whom you called your life-saver, to wait for your return in anxiety in wee hours? how could you not even pick-up a simple phone call for days? how could you just let days pass by without you even think how worried that old woman (and myself) can be? how could you just make your own choice without even sparing a thought (at least!) to the old woman whom you'd turn for help when you're in distress? how could you let both your parents live in embarrassment with whatever they have done to protect you, to tell the whole world how you've been mistreated by your other half? how could you? how could you, sis? there is this saying ... once bitten, twice shy. i don't normally take it personal, but this time, it'll be twice bitten, thrice shy. you may have your reasons ... so do i. all i want is for you to be happy, to see that you deserves the best in everything. i will pray for that but listen to my heart. it said... i am still hurt. thus, i made my own choice as well. to make sure that my parents and brother will not be disturbed with all the nonsense and trouble that both you and your other half have created, i beg you.. don't ever tell us your problems again. no doubt that i still love you and no doubt that we're bounded by the same blood, i have to let you go... whatever your problems is, you've got to settle it yourself the next time. i can't put myself in this situation every now and then, to always think and worry of you and your well-being and to have my always-concern-mother calling in wee morning just to check whether you're with me. i can't put up with your MIA with no news anymore. you've done that before, you jolly well can do it again.. if you understand what i mean. therefore my beloved sister, take care coz i have to to let you go and learn to feel what i feel this past 3 days. a wounded heart may heal.. but the scar will remain forever. love, me....

i was at tan tock seng this morning with my 2 boys, who didn't attend school just to accompany me, for the MRI scan. i arrived on time at 10am and went straight to the MRI suite. submitted my appointment letter and card and ask to be seated. i waited and finally a male nurse attended me and asked if i've had any implants. i chuckled and said no. next, he asked if i'm pregnant. i nodded and said yes. then, all i can see is the blank expression he gave me. i was asked to be seated again and a doctor then advised me that it will not be advisable for me to go scan as i'm still in the first trimester. so i am given a next appointment date which is in 2 weeks time. i was delighted coz i don't have to spend my $825 that day. so, i went shopping instead at novena square. bought 3 maternity tops coz dar said all my normal clothes looks like sarung nangka on me and he stopped me from wearing my jeans even though i can still struggle with the button. so, shopping it was and i came back home late at night. hehe. a wonderful appointment with the shopping centre!!

aku bersyukur kerana masih mempunyai ibu. ibu yang tak pernah penat menasihati aku, yang tak pernah penat mengambil berat terhadap diri serta kandunganku, yang tak pernah susah menghulurkan bantuan jika aku perlu dan yang sanggup ambil cuti untuk menemani aku ke hospital for my routine check-up. thanks ma for everything! pagi itu, ma talipon suruh aku ke rumah bishan dulu coz droolz came home with the cat and all her stuffs after her night out to search her soul yesterday. aku dah lupakan kisah semalam, even though satu malam aku tak dapat tidur nyenyak, asyik fikirkan adik aku yang entah ke mana perginya. katanya nak pergi soul searching sampaikan because of her missing just like that, aku dimarahkan papa. tapi bila ma cakap she's back with most of her stuff, i was kinda relieved. aku naik lif ke rumah mak. bila lif sampai tingkat lima, aku dengar anjing neighbour sebelah gonggong satu macam punya kuat. there must be someone pat corridoor, kalau tak.. takkan anjing tu nak gonggong macam tu sekali. i just hope whoever on the corridoor is not my sister's jerky husband. bila pintu lif terbuka, ada apek tengah tengokkan anjing tu. lega sikit hati aku. so aku jalan towards my parent's house. and i saw that stoopid man yang tak serik-serik dan yang tak faham bahasa. dia dengan uniform berdiri depan rumah. ma tak bukak pintu, i assume.. that was why he's standing there. he saw me and begged me to let him in so that he can passed a letter to my sister. aku naik badi tengok dia, terus aku pekik.. "kau tak faham bahasa eh? kau tak serik-serik eh? pleaselah.. orang dah buat police report pon kau masih berani datang sini dengan uniform kau. papa tak kerja tau! please leave my sister alone!!" then he wanted to approached me, aku kelam kabut turun staircase from the 5th floor to ground floor. then aku tipon ma and tell her i'm waiting at the market instead. i guess by me saying pa tak kerja, he must be frightened and left the place immediately after that. ma fetched me at the market and we went up. ma cakap dia tinggalkan surat and ma dah buang surat tu. ma and droolz accompany me to kk. alhamdulillah, after the much commotion this week, the stress, the smokes i had for being too pressured, my baby is healthy. i was just waiting for the doctor to scold me or said that my womb is smokey.. kherkher.. but no, all he said was it would be a beautiful baby and the heartbeat is healthy. great. a sigh of relief. i had the scan and saw my baby's heartbeat for the first time. previously, i was so damn kanchiong that the baby would disappear anytime that i went to do another pregnancy test again last 2 weeks, even though the previous 3 test was all positive. right now, i just hope that everything will be allright. as much as others did mentioned, my baby is my priority more than anyone else. for droolz, all i can do is be there for you and pray for your happiness. looking forward to the bintan trip with you!

"kamu ni manusia jenis apa Siti Rahmah?!" "kamu tahu tak perbuatan kamu tu mencari kebencian orang?!" "kamu masih ada bapak tapi kamu belakangkan bapak kamu!" "kalau bapak cakap kamu bongok, kamu tak terima...!" "kamu dengan mak kamu ni sama lah, bila orang cakap... nangis!!" "kamu nak tinggikan suara dengan bapak? kurang ajar betul kamu ni!" apa yang harus aku buat kalau situasinya tidak sesekali pun yang aku bayangkan? aku sayangkan adik aku. kalau bukan aku yang jemput dia dari kerja, siapa lagi yang dia boleh harapkan? dahlah suaminya berperangai macam tu, mestilah aku bimbang. kalau dibunuhnya adik aku, siapa yang hilang adik.. siapa yang hilang anak? tapi aku jugak dipersalahkan. aku jugak yang dikatakan membelakangi orang tua, padahal semuanya sudah aku ceritakan pada pagi itu. tak pulak orang tua tu cakap aku belakangkan dia? tak pulak orang tua tu marah-marah kat aku. aku nak salahkan siapa? salahkan adik aku yang tak pernah nak serik dengan suaminya? salahkan jantan tak guna tu sebab buat kecoh (nangis, ikut masuk dalam teksi, melutut, merayu) pat specialist taxi-stand sampaikan aku panik dan terpaksa talipon dar? salahkan dar sebab sebelum dia turun (bertemankan pisau!!!) dia call papa dan beritahu tentang kekecohan tersebut? atau salahkan diri aku sendiri yang dah tahu tengah mengandung tapi sibuk nak defend adik aku, yang talipon dar mintak tolong.. lepas tu bila kena pekik suruh talipon polis, aku ikutkan geram terus matikan handphone? aku jadi benci tengok muka jantan tu. nama aje dah anak 3, dah pernah jadi suami tapi perangai, hanya tuhan saja yang tahu. menangis, mintak maaf, bersumpah.. tapi semua tu dah pernah dia buat dulu dan kami berikan peluang, then what happen? sekali lagi, dia berperangai macam gitu. "perempuan sundal.. " "perempuan bawak sial.. " "kaulah perosak rumahtangga aku dulu.. " "kalau aku tahu, aku tak ceraikan bini lama aku.. " suami apa namanya tu? dah 2 tahun berkahwin tapi silap isteri yang sedikit, mencarut yang bukan-bukan. isteri mana yang boleh tahan. kalau dulu pukul bantai.. sekarang mencarut pulak. dah sendiri yang nak ceraikan bekas isteri dulu pasal katanya dah tak sefahaman, bekas isteri ada affair, apa pulak salahkan isteri yang sekarang (adik aku). kalaulah dia suami aku, memang aku dah sunnatkan buat kedua kalinya. malam tu, dar came home and we talked. mata aku yang bulat besar jadi semakin besar macam goldfish akibat nangis pasal kata-kata papa few hours back. dar suruh aku mintak maaf dengan pa. we went to bishan, aku mintak maaf and pa again said, kamu belakangkan bapak, kamu dengan mak kamu handle masalah ni sendiri. bapak tak nak masuk campur and he pulled away his hands. ma nangis tengok pa did that to me. aku keluar rumah with a really disappointed heart. tiba-tiba rasa kesal pulak ikut saranan dar to come over and apologize. aku kenal betul perangai pa. sudahlah.. whatever it is, kalau pa masih nak salahkan aku, tak nak maafkan aku, then aku terima tapi aku takkan diam kalau salah satu ahli keluargaku dipergunakan.