Suddenly, there's a sudden overwhelmed request asking me to update my blog. Oh really??! Suddenly, there's 2005 which seems like a brand new start for everyone. Is it??! Suddenly, there's nothing for me to update in my blog except telling you people out there that I'm still surviving!! So.. just don't. Don't expect anymore read-ups in All The Things I Said coz 2005 is definately not a great start for me. Rocky road it may seem but hey presto, I'm still alive and kicking. All you good friends out there needs to know is that I'm still as healthy as an ox although I think I'm losing all the pounds to the baby inside me coz my weight still stays the same after 6 months. And a big announcement to all, I will be disconnecting my broadband with effect from 1st Feb thus updating will again be another problem which is if I can get my hands on any available pc with internet connection. For those guessing on my due date, officially it will be on 21st April this year but still, it can be earlier or later. So for now, it's inhale.. exhale.. shooossshhh.. baby.

sejak dah tak kerja ni, rasanya macam takde apa-apa yang nak aku blog. takkan tiap hari nak update pasal aku jadi suri rumahtangga sepenuh masa pulak kan? but what the heck.. blog ni kan tempat aku luahkan perasaan, tempat aku ceritakan kedukaan atau kegembiraan atau apa-apa pon yang terjadi sepanjang hayat aku, tempat aku release tension? rasanya coming year end ni, memang macam-macam yang berlaku, baik di tempat kerja mahupun di rumah. i guess this year end is the worst year end yang aku lalui. nak sambut aniverseri perkenalan aku dengan dar yang dah masuk 7 tahun pon, rasanya macam takde mood. i totally have lost my mood. the one thing yang aku takutkan akhirnya berlaku jugak. the one thing yang ramai dah cakap akan terjadi satu hari nanti akhirnya terjadi jugak. aku redha and aku accept the fact that it's his decision tapi the way he left the house just like that without informing me is something that i cannot tolerate. aku berbicara pasal my step-son, rayyan sufuwandy. tak pernah aku sangka his behaviour will change with one snap. one month of holidaying with his natural mother terus buat dia berubah hati and bertekad nak tinggal dengan ibu dia. it's just unbelievable. padahal dialah yang mati-matian tak nak ikut ibu dia bila it's his mum period to fetch the kids, especially weekends and holiday. now, he's gone.. gone forever. sebabnya? merajuk tak bertempat. sebab aku tak ajak dia keluar sama with his younger brother. sebab aku suruh simpan playstation. aku nyer reason kenapa aku tak ajak sama is i was already on my way out when he returned home and since aku pegi tak lama, aku tak pelawa dia. secondly pasal playstation, i'm being fair to his younger brother. since aku tak kasi adik dia main, abang dia pon of courselah not allowed to play. no scolding at all, just ask him to keep that playstation. then, bila aku pat dalam bilik, adik dia cakap rayyan dah balik AMK (where his mum now lives with her sister, and she's divorced for the 2nd time) sebab ibu suruh. i panicked sebab tak tahu kenapa dia tak cakap yang dia nak balik coz when i asked earlier whether he's going back to his mum, dia cakap tak. then i messaged the mother and worst shocking news, ibu dia cakap she didn't asked him to come back and she's only suppose to collect rayyan after soccer training today. there goes the big hu-ha and then the mum called dar saying rayyan merajuk with me for that 2 petty reason above. i was of courselah devastated that he's doing that to me yet again. bukan sekali dia merajuk cam gitu, there's one time yang dia merajuk jugak sampai tak nak makan and tak nak minum just because i asked him to follow his mum since his mum nak ajak jalan. now it's the opposite pulak. i just don't understand what's on this kid's mind. so i guess he realised his big mistake by going out like that without informing anyone and thus, takutkan ayah dia marah, he made that stupid big mistake by wanting to follow the mum. since it's his decision, since dia pon dah ugut ibu dia (like how he ever ugut me for not following his wishes), which parents yang nak bantahkan? i don't blame the mum, i don't blame the dad.. but i blame rayyan for his pettiness. because of that, everybody suffer. i just hope by him doing that, dia dapat kebahagiaan yang dia cari. i also hope he will turn out to be a fine young boy and not those wild kid from broken mariages. i seriously worked hard for this 2 kids, educate them betul-betul even though tak 100% sempurna, but i guess all my effort just got washed down the drain. now, i really depend with the youngest who has a firm heart though that he's staying with his dad. he hates his elder brother for his guts and change in behaviour but kids are kids. sweet talk them and they can change with one snap. sekarang tinggal riyan suhairy staying firm with us and padan dengan mulut laser dia and perangai dia yang very direct, he's so firm when he said no and yes. that's what i like about the youngest one, tak diam lepu macam abang dia. aku cuma berharap kejadian seperti ini takkan berulang lagi. i am learning from this mistake and i am still hurt with what the eldest is doing. semoga Allah tabahkan hatiku dengan segala kejadian yang tak aku duga ini .. amin.

a new post for the record. what record? never mind... i'm kinda tensed up at home, with lots of job interviews but no accompanying luck. perhaps i'm being honest enough to owned up with my five months pregnancy. or perhaps the interviewer got a shocked in his/her lifetime to see my previous withdrawn salary and couldn't adjust themselves on what to give me, thinking it might be too little than too much. with no job luck, i guess i really have to sit and home and think of what's next to come besides monthly bills and hospitals visits. i've decided to skip the visit to the hospital for the lump in my leg to save money. and later, i might downgrade myself from luxury at KK hospital. i can't cope with the costly bill on every visit, no government grants and such, thus with my jobless state, i have to plan my financial well and make sure i'll grab whatever grants i can get from the government.. no more chance. it's saddening to see the plight of my unborn baby or rather the plight of pitiful self. used to just spending money with one snap, now every little things that i buy, i have to set a budget. luckily my savings can see me till a further few months away and my husband has been so kind towards me by doing night jobs just to make sure that i'll get his full monthly salary to pay the house bills, to spend and to save. i'm really touched with his simple gratitude. before, i don't really like the idea when he suggested that he wishes to have a night job to stabilise himself coz i don't see the point when i too am working and bringing back a hefty sum. now, i have to learn from my mistake and let him go coz i've seen his good points to prepare for the worst. with him working daytime 11am-8pm and night time from 9pm-5am, i have to learn to be independent and more thoughtful. and i thought a home maker is an easy job and i've always envy those woman who sits at home .... now i know.... *sigh*

*i dunno why this post ends up as draft* last thursday, i went sentosa with ma, adik and my sis (plus her step-son). finally a family outing minus my dad after such a long dead period of time. and hear this out... i ALMOST drowned!!! i struggle all i might to the shore, kalau tak, confirmlah dah keluar pat headlines 3 beradik mati lemas di sentosa. that was the worst nightmare that one could ever imagine, especially when the sun is nice, the sea is calm but because for one panic-stricken soul, the rest suffered. our first intention was to jurong swimming complex but eventually made a last minute change to swim at pahlawan beach in sentosa. ma and sis was not working that thursday so they decided to cheer me up by bringing me out to swim. so, with my swimming costume, i felt rather ackward swimming at the beach... so alienated (harlow! i mentioned our main programme was to swimming complex, didn't i). and how that almost drowning event happened? well.. it all began with an urge to swim across the floating plank which is ermm 50m away from the shore. i admitted that i am not a good swimmer; i tend to be very good in a pool but not out in the open sea. so adik and sis went ahead swimming across to the floating plank (with slide) and i stayed behind with irfan (my sis step-son) at the shore. watching them sun-taning on the plank filled me up with envy but knowing my condition and the thoughts that i haven't been swimming since the past few months made me just gaze with jealous stares and evil smile. i told myself i can do it, it's just a short distance away... of course i can do it, it's just like swimming a lap in the pool. a few hours passed and i still can't get over the excitedness on wanting to be on that floating plank. it's not everyday that i visit this beach so i am definately not throwing this chance away. so there i was telling both my siblings my intention and of course, yet again with my condition, they're against it at first. i told them i can do it and if there's anything wrong, i'll just cling on either of them. so they finally agreed. i held adik's arm whose on my left, making sure he lead me faster while i'm swimming and my sis on my right, swimming alone. halfway through, adik started making this funny noise like as if he's losing his gasp for air and seeing him like that, i started to panic although i managed to control myself. but when i turn to look at my sis who also heard adik's pathetic breathe, she had this panic stricken white blood oozing towards her sweet face and when she said can or not? let's just turn back... that's when i too started to show my panic. the three of us turn back but reaching the shore was not easy when you're in a panic state. i felt that i am not moving towards the shore although i'm swimming back. i saw the lifeguard stopping by infront of us, maybe thinking something is a miss when all the 3 did a u-turn but i was too ashamed to flag for help. eventually we reached the shore and we had a good laugh at it. that moment, that feeling, that nightmare will always linger in my mind. a moment when i think i'm gonna drown, a feeling that i've not felt at all.. drowning and gasping for air, a nightmare that i've never at once thought that it'll happened to me. a lesson that dar thought me, biar pandai jangan eksyen pandai... so the next time i wish to swim far, i'd better use a float!!

i don't feel like blogging again, ever. so much things happened with just one snap. takpe.. takpe.. dasar mat saleh tak kenang budi, dasar kacang lupakan kulit, dasar kaduk naik junjung. lumrah manusia... marahkan nyamuk, kelambu dibakar. terpaksalah aku pakai peribahasa yang dah lama aku simpan dalam esbok. bila kenangkan 6 tahun aku setia dengan kompeni yang tak berhati perut tu, hati aku jadi sakit. lebih-lebih lagi bila aku ingatkan pekerjaan akulah yang paling stabil sekali. arrrghhhh... nak nangis keluar air mata darah sekalipun tak ada gunanya, perkara dah terjadi.. kerak nasi dah jadi bubur pun. bukan rezeki anak agaknya. dah ditakdirkan terjadinya macam itu. aku redha.... redha dan bersyukur dengan pemberiannya. setidak-tidaknya, aku telah ditunjukkan kepada manusia yang bertopengkan syaitan, manusia yang tidak berhati perut dan manusia yang langsung tidak mengenang budi. terpaksalah aku mulakan lembaran baru, cari kerja baru, semua baruuuu... ada yang nak bagi kerja tak? aku tak cerewet.... terpaksa kerana dipaksa.