DIFFERENCE : One is human, the other is an animal. SIMILARITY : Both needs attention. Both needs care. Both needs to be cuddle. Both are always hungry. Both can sleep like a dead log. Both are OVERWEIGHT! @#$%!!

So many questions So little time Sometimes I ask Am I losing my mind? So many decisions I know I can't make So much critisism I simply just can't take I can't please everyone Though I will always try Sometimes I get discouraged But I don't know why I hate all the pressures That are brought upon me Too many decisions Then I'd rather there be I just can't stand it Don't know what to do To feel what I feel If only you knew I'm not looking for sympathy I just wish it would end But I feel it's a battle That I'll never win. I will not be updating this blog for the next few days. Reason being is my computer is crappy and so is me. Once I have the XP software running in a couple of days/weeks time, I'll start writing again. My braincell looks dead at the moment. Bugger!!

should i thanked my lucky stars? is there such thing as lucky stars anyway? my thick lip was suddenly smiling from ear to ear. all thanks to the new hightlights announced by new pm lee hsien loong yesterday night on the national day rally speech. for those who didn't watched the rally or read this morning straits times, i'll give a repeat telecast on my blog.. but just the changes that made my day. ~ 12wks maternity leave (up from 8wks) for up to 4th child; govt to reimburse employers ~ those with children under 12 pay a lower maid levy ~ centre-based infant-care subsidy of $400/mth ~ 2 days childcare leave a year for mums & dads with children under seven ~ baby bonus extended to 1st & 4th babies (now for 2nd and 3rd only) ~ more generous tax benefits picture this, by april next year, if everything runs smoothly the way it should be, then i would be sitting at home for the whole of 3 months looking after my baby. i think i'll be bored to death just cooping and lazing my would-be fat ass in the house. thus, i've make my so-called plan for the future. i will give birth, come back after the 8wks maternity leave and ask the company to claim the reimbursement to be paid back to me. how's that.. a 1mth bonus from the government?! i don't need maid coz i perfectly thinks that i can handle everything from the house chores to the cooking to the tuition to the looking after the kids. if there is any superwife award, it should go to me... hehe. well, years back, ma did offered to look after my baby but now that she's working, i guess all i have to do is just wait for her next valid offer. meanwhile, i think to have my own mother looking after my own baby would be a wise choice. infant-care subsidy of $400 a month. i neither will get subsidy or discount if ma offers to look after my infant. to ask her to be a nanny without giving her any decent amount would be a total wrong, when she's even prepared to quit her job just for my sake? but still, if she decided that she wishes to work and not willing to quit, then i'll have to accept that fact and think of another solution. but with this subsidy, it surely will help... 2 days childcare leave, on top of my 15 day annual leave which means i can now have a week holiday twice a year! that would be marvellous... i definately would enjoy those years ahead. baby bonus... give birth to a baby and the baby's richer by a hundreds or a thousands. isn't that something? imagine my time... i don't think there's anything that is even close to a baby bonus. no wonder kids nowadays are richer! and other tax benefit which i definately need. with a pay that can't run away from the eyes of IRAS, how i wish all the tax benefit would decrease my tax payment years ahead. having to pay hundreds every year can be like choking myself to death, although i did opt for a giro deduction... hehehe...

another sunday and i was lazing around at home but this morning, i did a lil bit of laundry and room cleaning. other than that, lie on the bed, watched cable tv, indulge myself with tub of snickers ice-cream and lots of potato chips. i reckon, by the time i give birth next year, i'll not be a full monty but a full montel. yikes.. suddenly i had those images of me being the typical after-birth makcik-makcik with big bums and lots of layered fats on the waist. omigod! will i be like dat? now, the even the slightest 1kg more makes me so paranoid that i even think the tyres of dar's small bike might burst anytime! helppp... oh yeah, i went out with ma, adik and droolz yesterday and pa joined us after his maghrib's prayer at beach road. it was definately a family affair and we damn well need that! with pa and ma busy with their working schedule, droolz and me busy with our marriage and adik busy with his o-levels preparation... there's no time at all to have a decent family outings in 2 bloody years. so i was glad it finally happened yesterday. i arrived bishan at nearly 3pm and waited for adik to come home from his biology xtra class. went to fetch droolz from her workplace at somerset at 5pm and we went shopping after that. walked all along orchard road and ma said metro was having sales, so we brought her to paragon. while she did her shopping, i did my browsing coz i dun really fancy going to the shoe & bag department unless i really need a new pair of shoes or bag. unlike ma and droolz, they can have a whole wardrobe of shoes and bags. it's just their likings to shop for shoes and bags although i think they might not need them. i think i'm more to dad's character. i can have just a pair of shoes and wear them until they're really in a sorry state. and ma, have this crave for an LV bag. wat a waste of money! so, she and droolz really did went into LV boutique at Taka while i rested my sore feet outside the boutique with adik. fortunately, ma did not purchase any but she said she definately need one to keep. hillies, gucci, bonia.. what else she had? but she's good at keeping all her stuff at a good state. after the tired rounds of shopping and browsing, we went off to beach road to meet pa for dinner. ma ordered bone sticks and i got to order my extra extra hot mee goreng. adik was on fire when he tasted my mee goreng. hehe. i just couldn't get that extra hot taste anywhere else. after dinner, pa suggested going over golden mile complex since it's just opposite. i never pop by there at any stage of my 28 years. that night was the first time. at first, i was allright but upon reaching the coffeeshop and supermarket, i felt like vomitting. i couldn't take the smell so i said i'll just wait outside. but the feeling of standing alone with so many thai man made me so frightened that i decided to just went in and walk with my family. that will be my first and the last time going there. reached home around 9pm and packed the big prawn curry that i cooked earlier for droolz to 'tapau' back for her husband. and i was so tired that i felt asleep soon after that.

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i'll tell you my feelings for the day.. in alphabetical order sum more! crappy, bloated, fat, nausea, lazy, tired, sick, sleepy and lastly stress. never did i imagine these are the feelings that friends or colleagues (who have went thru it) would be feeling. when i told them about it, all they seem to say is.. it's gonna get worse. isn't there a remedy? i really don't enjoy feeling like this. now all i do at home is sleep and sleep and sleep. i don't even feel like going out as usual. even at work, all i think is to reach home as soon as i can just to lie on bed. i've been a lazy ass since these last few days. i can't even remember when was the last time i did the laundry (no doubt dar did it the last round). and everytime i eat, i get so paranoid of being fat! i tried to control but the urge to munch increases (all because i have to give up my usual dosage of nicotine!!) i hate to see my weight on the scale which seems like it's increasing every day. now i wonder if i can ever weigh the same again. *sigh really hard*

cold sweat fingers tremble mind's questioning is this really happening? silent whisper soft caresses still wondering is this really happening? evening bliss tears of joy words of love is this really happening? anxious sentiment heart pumping prayer's answered yes. this is really happening.

i was clearing most of my email junks when i notice this email from a friend entitled "philosophy wanita". after reading it, i kinda agree with what it says, although this email should be read by a man. i would like to share this on the net, so here it goes : hidup tanpa wanita... jangan kata lelaki biasa, nabi pun terasa sunyi tanpa wanita. tanpa mereka, hati, fikiran dan perasaan lelaki akan resah. masih mencari walaupun sudah ada segala-galanya. apa lagi yang tidak ada di syurga, namun nabi adam a.s. tetap rindukan siti hawa. kepada wanitalah lelaki memanggil ibu, isteri atau puteri. dijadikan mereka dari tulang rusuk yang bengkok untuk diluruskan oleh lelaki tetapi kalau lelaki sendiri yang tak lurus, tak mungkin mampu nak meluruskan mereka. tak logik kayu yang bengkok menghasilkan bayang-bayang yang lurus. luruskanlah wanita dengan cara yang ditunjuk allah, kerana mereka dicipta sebegitu rupa. didiklah mereka dengan panduan darinya. jangan cuba jinakkan mereka dengan harta, nanti mereka semakin liar. jangan hiburkan mereka dengan kecantikkan, nanti mereka semakin derita. yang sementara itu tidak akan menyelesaikan masalah. kenalkan mereka kepada allah, zat yang kekal.. disitulah suisnya. akal setipis rambutnya, tebalkan dengan ilmu hati separuh kaca, kuatkan dengan iman perasaan selembut sutera, hiasilah dengan akhlak suburkanlah kerana dari situlah nanti mereka akan nampak nilaian dan keadilan tuhan. akan terhibur dan bahagialah hati mereka, walaupun tidak menjadi ratu cantik dunia, presiden, perdana menteri negara ataupun women gladiator. bisikkan ke telinga mereka bahawa kelembutan bukan suatu kelemahan. itu bukan diskriminasi tuhan. sebaliknya disitulah kasih sayang tuhan, kerana rahim wanita yang lembut itulah yang mengandungkan lelaki-lelaki waja - negarawan, karyawan, jutawan dan lain-lain 'wan'. tidak akan lahir superman tanpa superwoman. wanita yang lupa hakikat kejadiannya, pasti tidak terhibur dan tidak menghiburkan. tanpa ilmu, iman dan akhlak, mereka bukan sahaja tidak boleh diluruskan bahkan mereka pula yang membengkokkan. lebih ramai lelaki yang dirosakkan oleh perempuan daripada perempuan yang dirosakkan oleh lelaki. sebodoh-bodoh perempuan pun boleh menundukkan sepandai-pandai lelaki. itulah akibatnya apabila wanita tidak kenal tuhan. mereka tidak akan kenal diri mereka sendiri, apalagi mengenal lelaki. kini bukan saja ramai boss telah kehilangan secretary, bahkan anak pun akan kehilangan ibu, suami kehilangan isteri dan bapa akan kehilangan puteri. bila wanita derhaka, dunia akan huru-hara. bila tulang rusuk patah, rosaklah jantung, hati dan limpa. para lelaki pula jangan hanya mengharap ketaatan tetapi bilah kepimpinan. pastikan sebelum memimpin wanita menuju allah, pimpinlah diri sendiri dahulu kepadanya. jinakkan diri dengan allah, nescaya akan jinaklah segala-galanya dibawah pimpinan kita. jangan mengharap isteri seperti siti fatimah kalau peribadi belum lagi seperti saiyidina ali. allahualam bissawab.

i realised i haven't been writing for the last few days. been kinda busy lately with the work and family. so, here it goes, the updates after last wednesday. thursday : met the gerls (nora, momma, ainee, rya and a friend) and ali at mazmazza after work. Had dinner and brief chat. Lis and Sue, I heard was supposed to turn up but they had other matters during the last minute. left them at nearly 9pm and took a cab home. i was tired and doze to dreamland soon after. friday : had a farewell lunch with AC and my MD's wife, NR at original sin, holland village. NR have given up her residency in singapore and decided to stay put in dubai. lunch was superb vegetarian dishes and all the best to NR living and working in dubai. saturday : didn't do much work at home. a couch potato mostly, gaining more kilos then ever. at 4pm, start coaching my youngest and my brother in their revisions. by nite time, too tired to even had dinner. sunday : again, doing revision with the kids. nothing much happened at home except that i told dar about my plans to bring the kids for weekend break at bintan if they passed their tests. dar won't be following coz he has his food supply to look after. so it'll be a summer fun event with just me and the kids. looking forward to that! hope i summarize all in the shortest form.

feel my love, feel my pain feel my sad, feel my fail a feeling so peculiar it just made me wonder i feel the love that went astray i feel the pain that never goes away i feel the sad that makes me mad i feel the fail that love never sail why do birds have to fly why do sun have to shine don't they know that i cry don't they know that i whine feel my anger, feel my cries feel my feeling, feel my despair a feeling so depress it just made me stress i feel the anger that makes me stronger i feel the cries that never once dry i feel the feeling that is now healing i feel the despair that no one even care why do i have to feel why do i have to love don't they know how i feel don't they wish to be love *feeling kinda emo today ~ dunno why!*

when the sweet girl chose to pour out her anguish i stood listen, no comments but was strike with disappointment why oh why love can be agonizing? a soul so deeply hurt with all the unwanted heartbreak they're not supposed to end it, i said to myself their love life was so great shouldn't be any heartache when the sweet girl chose to share her sorrow with friends i wasn't there but heard whispers from mouth to mouth why oh why tears are falling? cry and whine is all they see but not the real truth friends stood by telling her to forget the past she heard it all and tried to stand tall when the sweet girl chose to deny her true feelings i didn't see it coming but have guessed just as much why oh why mind starts wondering? from writing to writing i decided to pry so much happiness, covering up the loneliness i guess, she felt alone and so was he when the sweet girl chose to speak her confusion i stood listen, waiting to comment the feeling of gladness why oh why love can be so perplexing? from words to words i listen and console decision is hers and hers alone she's tired and scared but nobody knew when the sweet girl chose to keep her silence i knew she was happy and pray for her ecstasy why oh why love can be a miracle? through the silence they sail together chances granted assurance given wound recuperating from the hurting past when the sweet girl chose to gather her courage i was told she went public with the man she love why oh why the journey invites sensation whispers from contacts giving contradiction hurting, tormenting the whispers can be that's their choice of life that no one will see

when friends or family members sees either one of the boys, their comments would be the youngest look like naughty one, the youngest has that mischievious look, the youngest doesn't look intellectual at all. and all the good remarks goes to the eldest. but looks can indeed be deceiving. this is what you call mum knows best! examination is around the corner and i am relief that the youngest has completed his english, maths and science revision. however, he still needs to revise his primary 1 to primary 3 subject for english and mathematics. why? he was chosen to sit for the GEP or gifted education programme paper on this coming 28th, his birthday. and i was of course surprise BIG TIME! so was his dad. never did we imagine the youngest, who always forget his books, who always had bad remarks written on his diary, who always had torn pages on his school books, who always got scoldings and beatings from his dad for being lazy and playful, is the intellectual one when he passed his mid-year with good results. the eldest, who completed his homework every time, who always have full mark for spelling, who always have little wrong in homework, failed all his subjects, including malay for his mid-year. and that is like a slap to both my cheeks. where on earth did i go wrong? then i learned. looks can be deceiving indeed. the eldest whom we thought was the good one turn out to be the opposite. behaving good only at our front and start his mischievious self behind our back. the youngest was true to himself, no hidden character, bad or good, he show it all which was why he's the only one who get the most spanking and yelling at. now i learn. now i know. now i realise. so for this coming exam, i decided not to push. i let them have their way but said if you think you want to pass, then study, if you think you want to waste my time or your time to study but dunno what you're studying, then keep your books. and i did remind them that they'll get the worst from their dad if they fail this exam. and i saw it all. the eldest took my word, twisted it and made it his shield. so everytime anyone in the house ask why the eldest didn't study, the eldest reply, mama said don't need to waste her time and my time so i did what she told me .. keep my book. he's having his jolly good time enjoying himself while both parents are at work. i am disappointed and upset but still happy with the progress of the youngest one. and i think right now, people are probably whispering that i only focus my attention to the youngest one and leave both my eldest and my brother-in-law (who is the same age as my eldest) to continue slaken in their studies. i did couch the three but one prove that he's only interested to have tuition with me because he saw the other two studying and that one is my worst case brother-in-law. i don't see a point in couching when all the revision that i gave, for him, is just a matter of giving each question an answer when all his answers are wrong even for addition and substration and to think he is in primary 4!! just like my mum always tell me in malay, orang bodoh kalau kita ajar, boleh jadi pandai jugak tapi kalau orang malas, macam mana kita ajar, tetap takkan pandai. i am at lost end but i really hope the youngest can prove his best, the only thing that i can be proud of. looks like all i have to do is wait for their exams result and i can have the last laugh then.

kinda feeling patriotic knowing national day is around the corner. so, i'm singing.... whenever i am feeling low i look around me and i know there's a place that will stay within me wherever i may choose to go i will always recall the city know every street and shore sail down the river which brings us life winding through my singapore this is home truly, where i know i must be where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows this is home surely, as my senses tell me this is where i won't be alone, for this is where i know it's home when there are troubles to go through we'll find a way to start anew there is comfort in the knowledge that home's about its people too so we'll build our dreams together just like we've done before just like the river which brings us life there'll always be singapore this is home truly, where i know i must be where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows this is home surely, as my senses tell me this is where i won't be alone, for this is where i know it's home for this is where i know it's home for this is where i know i'm home

i suddenly missed my little fratello today. if you are reading this, i want you to know that i miss you and did think about you and most of all, love you. o' my little fratello, remember my writing? when you were born a little baby i was filled with anxiety and happiness when you were deserted mum had to work i took over her duties tend you night and days when you were educated a little boy i was there to send you to school when you were crying wanting something i persuaded and defended your rights when you grew up a little brat i was in my teens if you've forgotten that when you began your answering back i thought all of us spoiled you that bad when you got tall became a teen it struck me to see how times do fly when you'd still say how much you missed me i was touched with tears that never dry when i look back in all this years i know i've given you all my love when i wrote this on your 17th birthday i want you to know that i still care when you finished reading this piece of mine think back the journey we had in time when you'd think i have forgotten you that's when my love increases times two ps. study hard for your coming exams. think NAFA!

eyes were stunned my lips went mum felt the tense forgot my sense that face that smile that approach i went numb should i run or should i say hi he caught me unguarded i could felt his sway i was left with no choice but to regained my poise he said hello which sounds so hollow i replied with a grin felt the tremble in my chin that face that smile that approach truth was spoken he was astounded and i walked away with a sigh of relief

i dun think i've got much to say today except that i was kinda surprise to see the tag message from gary c daniels himself. ntah kan betul ke tidak eh, silap haribulan tag dari orang yang kenal aku dan tahu website si mat saleh ni. well, tu sumer tak penting. yang penting, my leg is suddenly feeling so painful than ever sampaikan terpaksa amik mc semalam. even doktor aku pon terperanjat katak tengok kaki aku yang semakin terserlah kejendulannyer. haiz, sakit giler and aku rasa giler pon tak sakit macam ni. macam tahu pulak that i'm just waiting for time to go thru that damn expensive scan and case study. oklah.. i shall not elaborate or else people will start talking.. kihkihkih! dar went back to his nasi lemak delivery business for weekends only. so my saturday and sundays shall now be tied up with phone calls from customers in hougang, punggol and sengkang area. despite the early morning supply of 80 cents nasi lemak for the provision shop below, upp serangoon and along ave 8, he still wants to venture more. that is his interest, his ambition of making his nasi lemak well known and i have no right to stop him. the one good thing about him is he runs the show by himself. he never ever ask for my assistance, not even a bit. from rising up early, cook the rice, frying egg, wrapping and even preparing sambal, ikan bilis for stock, he does it all by himself. a normal weekday routine that i am so proud of even to the extent of feeding the cats and changing the cat's litter every morning. now i shall say that i'm the most pampered wife, who still toss and turn in bed even after dar finished his morning round sending nasi lemak to those 3 shops, who dar have to check on at every 7.45am to see whether i am already in the shower or not and last but not least, while i'm in the shower, he'll ask whether i want any nasi lemak for work. i'm just so grateful that he has changed from bad to good. so glad.. just glad!